This update has been hard to write because even though I have fallen on my feet, so to speak, it has been an emotional year of reflection. Actually, the last few years have been an emotional rollercoaster - divorce from a long abusive relationship, falling in love with another who was then killed, PTSD and a long drawn-out fight to keep my farm, which in the end I lost.
Myself, the community that was living on the farm all had to leave. Some people bought houses while others relocated their tiny houses. We all have stayed in contact, which has been lovely.
I deeply miss HB (the previous farm), but my daughter and granddaughters are still there, whom I am now allowed to visit, thanks to the police's intervention with my ex. But on the upside, I am seriously relieved that I am not working so hard physically.
I have spent the last year reflecting on the many bad decisions I have made. The many times I should have ended my marriage and didn't. But no, I can't change the past, but I have finally had space to deal with the grief of a wasted marriage and life with a complete arsehole. I see and hear so many people who are not happy in their relationship. Why do we do it to ourselves? I don't know if fixing a marriage is ever possible when it becomes that bad. I know there were signs from the start that it wasn't a healthy relationship. Why are we so afraid of change? Is the risk of leaving harder than staying?
And I really think my kids would have been much better off if I had left my marriage when I had first wanted to. I disagree with any research that says the opposite. Some marriages are too toxic to be healthy for any child.
Now I'm an empty nester in my 50s going, "What the hell happened?" And what's going to happen next? Slowly, I'm pulling myself together, redirecting my energy. Over the past few years, on top of everything else, I have written three screenplays, two feature films and a TV series that I am currently trying to get out there. I have a few producers reading them atm. Fingers crossed. (If there are any producers reading this, looking for new material, please get in touch with me)
I've also had time to develop Wool Valley, which is very satisfying. I love wool and how sustainable and renewable it is and I've really enjoyed the wonderful people, yes, you guys! Who contact me with your projects and your thoughts and encouragement. Thank you. It has kept me going.
And now there is also time for my three granddaughters, gardening and my animals.
I'll leave you with this...
The other day, I got up at 3am because I can. I turned the music up loud because I can and sang as loud as I wanted to, because I can.
I feel that a new chapter of my life is opening up and I can do anything I want too. Because I can And no one is telling me I can't.
